The story I’m suppose to tell.. Broken Silence **Must READ**

Earlier today I did my normal and read the Daughters of The King daily devotional… And it was called “Broken Silence”…. It went on to talk about how the woman struggled with having an abortion at a young age. It spoke on how God had forgiven her she wasn’t ready to accept his forgiveness….

Well I commented on the post revealing a secret I’ve been keeping for years and it went to Facebook and became very public…

At the age of 17 I got pregnant by my first love… But I was 17 and he was 19… I a senior in high school and he was a sophomore in college… In my mind I knew I wasn’t ready for this and neither was he… I played with the idea of keeping the baby ya know being a young fierce mother. With him being away at college though I thought it would be hard and I felt like if I made the decision to keep the baby I’d ruin his life. He never said that to me, but that was my thought…. I begin to think that I was just a few months shy of graduating from Flint Southwestern Academy (High school) and a few months shy of being the bell of the ball at Prom… All completely selfish thoughts but at 17 those thoughts seemed reasonable… I’d seen my mom raise my brother and I as a single mom. Sheila was strong she raised us correctly though but I had dreams of being married well off into my career… Again selfish but I thought it was reasonable…

Giving up my child for adoption was never an option… Because I didn’t and still don’t believe in carry a child and bonding with a child for 9 long months and then giving it away…

I’d seen girls and knew girls who made the decision to have an abortion and they walked around like it never happened. As if they were fine… So at that time I felt like it wasn’t a big deal, me and him could go on about our lives and live like we’d planned… It seemed to be the best decision… He questioned if I was sure and I thought I was….

The day came when it was time to have the abortion and I was nervous as all get out…. Understand I went to the clinic and it was myself my mother and her husband (My step father). The guy I was with couldn’t be there because he had to work and he was in school and back then I wasn’t about the life of pressing an issue… As I sat there I began to feel like a girl who got knocked up by some random John, who didn’t even know my name… It was girls of all different races in the room who looked scared and ashamed…..

I paid at the front desk and continued to wait… Then the nurse came and got me and it was time…
The abortion took place and I felt empty… I was in soooo much pain… I remember thinking “OMG people are going to hate me if they find out. Why did I do this?” I wished it was a nightmare… The physical pain was bad but the mental pain was even worse…

As time went on I wanted to get a puppy and my boyfriend at the time got me one. She was a little too turned up for me so he had to give her back…I began to really want a baby, the slightest bit of gas made me touch my stomach in hopes of it being a baby…

I hadn’t forgiven myself, I hated who I was for what I’d did.

I put all my love I had for a child into my older cousins daughter who is my God sister Courtni.. She is beautiful, I love her as if she was my own… She made me feel okay like I could move forward…

But I still hadn’t forgiven myself..

Last year I began to trust in God more and do more of his work. And through prayer and scripture he spoke to me and made me realize he had sent me a forgiveness request a long time ago I was just too busy seeking validation through other things… I decided to accept his forgiveness and forgive myself…

I’m telling this very personal story not looking for pity but to help someone out there who is struggling with this same situation or something similar… We all make mistakes and we all try to seek validation elsewhere… But God wants you to look to him for all things… He is willing and ready to forgive you as soon as you confess and set yourself free by accepting his forgiveness…

If anyone reading this needs someone to talk to concerning this matter I can be reached at thatsmyjam90@gmail.com

God Bless đź’‹

Learning NOT to be a people pleaser

When I was a little girl I loved to sit directly in front of the TV … So my parents thought but I couldn’t see. And sitting that close made it even worse. So I was taken to the eye doctor and unfortunately I had to get what seemed to be thee thickest glasses known to man… I hated those glasses…

When i went to school they made fun of me all day. I heard it all from four eyes to goggles. I would go home and walking from the bus there was an older girl who’d pick with me all the time.. It seemed like it was non-stop.

I would go home and cry in my room. I couldn’t wait til I got rid of those things.

I remember having those glasses and getting my first cold sore… My older Cousin stayed with us at that time and he heard me crying my eyes out at the top of the stairs because here I was with goggles and a cold sore on my lip having to go back to the place where they made me feel like crap. He was like “What’s the matter Dukes?” And I could barely talk I cried “I don’t want to go to sccchhhoooolllll” tears falling snotin and all. He looked at me said “But your mom is not here to say it’s ok to stay home” and cried out again “I don’t want to go to scccchhhhhhoooooollllllllllll” He was so sad he felt so bad for me He let me stay home that day.

I want to say I was in the Kindergarten when I got those.

When I got to middle school it got worse. There was this girl in my class who just really tried to make every day for me a living hell. And to me she did, she would talk about me other kids would laugh and join in. And I wasn’t in on what was in and what was not… I knew never have my parents buy me Shaq shoes though that was a no no… But Once I had them get me some white baby blue and silver phat farm shoes and boy did EVERYBODY let me have it for wearing them. But I really liked them; I got rid of those things pronto…

But the summer after the 6th grade I got contacts, I got smaller. My hair was already long but that summer i kept it French braided so by the time I went to the 7th grade it was so long….

I remember going back to school and feeling like I was so cool… But those niggas found something else to talk about….

That’s when I realized people are going to talk about you your whole life. Trying to please people is impossible! Let those who hate on you do just that because if it’s not one thing it’s another with people…. Learned not to be a people pleaser any longer early in life…