For days I’d been battling with what to write next. What should I post. Tossed around a few topics.. Today I thought about when I did the interview with spotlight radio Sunny asked me what my site was about. I highlighted the music artist and supporting them more thn anything else and a long time supporter and great friend of mine told me she was disappointed because I didn’t mention the experiences I’d dealt with that I wrote about. I left out the personal stories that helped so many people including her.. And that struck a cord in me made me kind of question if I needed to go back to that…
A while ago someone who shouldn’t see me in a sexual light came to me in a a suggestive manner.. I was much younger thn I am now and this man was older much older so I was intimidated to say the least. Nothing physical transpired but the words and passion behind what he expressed scared me. I remember thinking:
This is not happening
Unfortunately it was happening. .. The very first person I told laughed, like no lie he really laughed at me so after that I felt like no one would believe me. However a friend helped me out gave me a shoulder to cry on.
I remember being told not to tell people about it because people would think I provoked this man but what I wore or how I acted.. So even though I didn’t do anything suggestive around him due to respect.. I never said anything to more than who knew in the moment.
This particular situation was hard to forgive. The thought of “this isn’t suppose to be happening” caused me to rationalize why it happened, when the why is not what mattered. Then I decided that there was a lot of time that had passed and I need to be over it so I forced it. I pretended to be cool and to be over it but I wasn’t.. Finally behind closed doors I literally broke down, seeing as I spend a lot of time alone no one knew about it.. After that I accepted that it happened to me and silenced the the extra thinking. I began to pray about it and to process through every emotion without rationalizing them or asking God why it had to happen to me.. And today I’m at a point where I can speak on it without feeling in denial and knowing that who I am or who I was at the time had nothing to do with why this man felt like his actions were ok..
Forgiveness is truthfully never about the other person.. When you forgive somebody it is for you. If I didn’t know that before I know that now.. No shade to the person you have to forgive but that person moves on with their life while you decide to not accept and forgive.. The process is not easy but it’s worth it and it’s essential for growth and going to the next level….
Forgiveness is something that’s not a very easy process. I find that it hadn’t been easy for me because I tend to avoid that acceptance needs to come first.. Instead of accepting that this event happened and how I actually feel about it, I have a habit of rationalizing the why of a situation and trying to embody how I think I should feel… That’s never good.. You have to accept that a situation occurred first, then there’s the acceptance of that raw feeling you got when it happened after all of that comes true ability to forgive and heal. I shared this experience with hopes that it would help someone else allow themselves a chance to forgive, live freely and grow…